The past few days have been very hard. I have been in a dark place, as of late. This past Sunday was Father’s Day.
Growing up, it was made plainly obvious that I didn’t have the traditional family, the type of family that media portrayed to me. I had a mother, grandparents and uncles raising me. My father was absent. I have never known my father, in fact my mum refuses to share with me the details of my father. I have heard bits and pieces here and there over the years but I have never really known.
It’s cliché to say, but as a little girl growing up, I had dreams and begged God to have my Dad just turn up out of no where and have a movie moment. You know, he introduces himself, we hug and it’s like no time has passed. He’s as elated to see me as I am him. It’s 23 years later and I’m still waiting.
I think I have mentioned before, that my mum has had many boyfriends growing up, from the one who hated me, the alcoholic, the boyfriends kids hating me, the daily marijuana user, the control and god loving and stalker husband.
I mean there are more, but these are the most memorable ones. Every year growing up, mum would make me get them father’s day gifts. And honestly, when I was younger I enjoyed it, I was fulfilling that urge and need of wanting that traditional. I tried so hard with all of them, I tried so hard to make relationships and connections with them all, but it was never the same. They never seemed interested. Don’t get me wrong I love my siblings, but when the problem was further exaggerated when mum had children with three of the men. I was forgotten about. I was outcast and felt even further on the outside of the circle.
Father’s Day is always rough for me. I always wonder why I was never wanted. Why I was never important enough to stay and form a bond with. Why was I never good enough for you? I was still in uteri when you left. When you walked away from me. I made something of myself dad. I have a son, who is amazing and I have the most understanding and caring husband. I have 9 weeks left of my degree, and I have one final exam left to complete for me to be able have my dream job. Dad, I did it all in spite of you. I constantly fight this feeling everyday, that was created by you (indirectly) of not being good enough. I’m constantly, trying to prove and demonstrate that I am worth it and that I am someone worth loving to person I never knew. How is that even possible? How is it that a person can be so plagued by someone who was never there to begin with? How does someone get closure from a situation that was created by this fictional person, who was created in my head?
I mentioned earlier that, I was also raised by my grandparents and uncles. More so my grandparents. I had male figures in my life. My grandfather became my father figure. He is a stoic man. He is my rock, my role model of how a man should treat a woman. Papa has always protected me and been a shoulder to cry on. He was always more to me than a granddad and I think that is why we have a different relationship that the other grandchildren. I remember being in respite and he came in with mum to come see me, and I couldn’t be more happier (which is ironic because I wasn’t really happy, more comforted) that he came. The feeling of seeing his face was overwhelming but I never feel more at home then in his arms. I never feel safer than being in his arms. BUT, he will never, fully fill that role. I’m not saying that I’m not grateful for him stepping up. I know how lucky I am to have someone as amazing as my papa, there are people in our world who have no parents, no support system and have to navigate our complicated world alone. But there is something about the “daddy’s girl” role, that special bond between a father and daughter, that I will never truly experience.
I’m older and what I like to think forever becoming more wiser, and I had the thought of beginning the search for my father. There is a half of me, somewhere out in the world, that shares some genes with me. That may look like me, that has family that is related to me. But to be honest in a combination of procrastination and fear, I have never gotten off the ground with the search. What if he doesn’t want me? What if the reason he left was because he didn’t want anything to do with me? What if I was the sole reason he walked away? And based on that assumption, I would then face my biggest fear of all time, rejection. Feeling as though you have been rejected your entire life in combination with the possible (but highly likely) rejection from this important, yet fictional character, to be honest I don’t think I am emotionally stable enough to manage and cope with that.
A part of me knows, if I was to pursue this, that I could be more than likely, just be setting myself up for failure, that I’m submitting myself to torture by doing this. But then there is a small, but very strong part of me saying, that it could be like your dreams and fairy tales. That you could get what you wanted. And then there’s the realistic part of me, the part that says, even if he wants a relationship, what does that even mean? Your 23 years-old now, the type of relationship you want is 10 year-old you. That’s not possible, the relationship may not even meet your emotional needs. He may not even be alive or available.
I will keep you guys posted on this.
SIDE NOTE: I have finished my last paper, passed that paper and now all I have left is a final placement. I never thought that I would ever get to this point and that I would be capable to do so. Hence why I’ve been M.I.A and really less blog posts. I have been relishing in the fact that I have made it this far and that I can taste my degree and registration.
Living Life in a world of black 